So far, the summer has been generally quite enjoyable. Job #1 is still super busy. Job #2 is on hold until potentially the fall. I am taking half the number of credits for school, although in a shortened amount of time. And I'm trying to eke out a few extra minutes to swim in the pool with the offspring as often as possible, which hopefully explains my lack of updating you on the mundane areas of my life. Plus I haven't any good stories to share lately, I feel.
Until this recent speed bump. I'm currently in a really strange space right now. My course instructor/mentor is phenomenal. So knowledgeable in the topic. Challenging me in ways I never expected (but hoped for!). And it's super scary. I feel like I am getting into a realm where few people exist. Yes, I know, the number of doctoral students compared to undergraduate level students is quite small. And the number of people who achieved Ph.D. level education is smaller still. Yet my yearning to know more and understand the "why" is taking me down a path that is a bit of a lonely walk. I didn't realize how much I relied upon the ability to discuss concepts and information and thoughts about topics with others.
Now, I don't want you to think that I'm looking for pity, or that even sympathy is undue. I realize that I am choosing this path. And it's likely lonely for a reason. Many people strive to learn more every day, but they don't spend this much money, time, stress, and sacrifice to do it. It is my choice. I don't regret it one bit. Personal growth is challenging for a reason. You can't truly share your personal growth with someone else. Each person approaches every moment with a wealth of experience, knowledge, and expectations...that is different from any other person. It's like a fingerprint. They may look similar to the untrained eye, but each is individual and unique.
I realized today that I was wishing for the space, time, and people to sit together with a group of people with similar interests and knowledge and really talk. Exchange ideas and thought processes. Engage in creative discourse. Kind of like the historical salons in Paris during the Enlightenment where the philosophers would gather and discuss. But the network of people knowledgeable in the topic I am currently studying is spread wide. And everyone is so busy nowadays, in our modern society.
Luckily, though, my instructor/mentor is challenging me to think very critically about some topics and concepts, then we will discuss through the magic of technology (isn't video chat awesome?). And he is incredibly patient. I fired off a quick response email to acknowledge a question, with the thought that deeper discussion will occur during our upcoming meeting. It did not meet his expectations or standards as an answer. And I recognize that... with some personal disappointment because I don't ever want him to feel I am not capable of meeting his expectations or that his valuable time is misspent with me. (Honestly I don't think he will ever feel this way, but it's a concern!)
So, I am learning and growing and questioning and applying. And it hurts a little (ok, maybe a lot). But it's also very good. Because, really, why spend the time, money, stress, and sacrifice without the exponential gains of personal growth?
