Challenging path

Ever have that moment you feel completely and utterly powerless? Yet you still want to scream and rage at the universe. And find some concrete way to change the hand dealt. But you can't because those cards are stuck. And all you can do is stare at them. Perplexed. Frustrated.

I recently had that moment.

After that moment comes when you share with someone else the struggle you are experiencing. And you feel some relief. That relief comes with a bit of a price, though, because you've placed a bit of the burden you were carrying on someone else's shoulders.

I find it incredibly difficult to share my burden because others already carry burdens.

The important thing to remember is there are people in your life willing to shoulder some of that burden and responsibility. They are caring and loving enough to take on a little of your struggle so you can pick yourself up and prepare for the tough path ahead.

And the path ahead is definitely rocky and rough. The unfortunate news is a person very close to me and who I cherish and love more than words can ever express was just diagnosed with cancer.

It's the form of cancer than can never be cured.

Luckily there is hope in the possibility of remission.

I'm not sure how I feel about knowing approximately how and when I (or anyone else) will die. I understand and accept that all life must end. And it can end at any time. For me, the not knowing means to truly live in the moment. I don't say that to imply not making responsible choices or planning for the future. Instead, to appreciate and enjoy the joys and happiness in life, not dwelling on the negativity. And not looking back on the past with regret. But also not looking to the future with impending sadness.

So I am currently staring at the path in front of me, rife with obstacles and challenges. I can choose to wallow in the difficulty, or I can choose to celebrate every little success.

As I take the first step on this path, I am prepared to celebrate every success, to hold the hands of those on this path with me, and even to carry them when they aren't strong enough to navigate on their own. And damnit, I'm going to live in every moment. To feel it. To embrace. To enjoy it. Because it's worth it.

So much love

Hello again. The fall semester started, coursework is gearing up again, and life is busy. As is the norm. Apart from all the "normal", I recently enjoyed some travel time, and will again in the coming months. Just some quick trips here and there. And these experiences made me remember how incredibly very so much lucky I am to have such amazing and wonderful people in my life.

Growing up I learned to never expect to receive free handouts. I worked (and continue to work) hard to earn everything I have. I expect to do my fair share, and often more than my fair share. I don't ever want to be a burden. So my recent reminders of how wonderful the people I know are means more than I can adequately express, but I'll try to give you a snippet.

This summer I visited my parents. The generosity and heartfelt desire to ensure I thoroughly enjoyed my brief time there was palpable. I owe so much already to my parents for teaching me all the necessary life lessons, guiding me as I grew and continue to grow, supporting me, loving me. Spending time with them this way as an adult is invaluable and so much fun. We enjoyed an airboat ride through the wetlands, visited the zoo, swam at the beach, tasted multiple ice cream cones to compare the best ice cream shop, saw wild manatees, and laughed and loved.

I was going through one of my periodic moments of huge self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, self-defeatist and negative internal dialogues when a couple dear friends, separately, took precious time out of their days to give me pep talks. Their words and outpouring of support buoyed me into a much better internal mental and emotional place. I don't think I can ever repay their kindness, support, and time.

Recently I visited some friends and not only enjoyed delightful weather, but a sense of welcome much bigger than I expected. I was readily embraced into a beautiful community of friends. I know I disrupted the normal daily life just with my presence, but I never felt like a burden. Schedules were adjusted to accommodate me. Friend gatherings were moved so I could partake the delight, deliciousness, and togetherness. New experiences were planned just because I was there. Too many amazing things to list here. And the smiles, the laughter.

And coming soon I have plans to visit some other friends before attending a conference. My interactions with them are already so full of excitement and delight for being together that I can hardly wait to see them.

So, I implore you to share your love with the amazing people in your life. You never know how much it may mean to someone.

Go forth and build community. Embrace joy. Buoy those who need it. Smile. Laugh. Love.

So much love.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

So far, the summer has been generally quite enjoyable. Job #1 is still super busy. Job #2 is on hold until potentially the fall. I am taking half the number of credits for school, although in a shortened amount of time. And I'm trying to eke out a few extra minutes to swim in the pool with the offspring as often as possible, which hopefully explains my lack of updating you on the mundane areas of my life. Plus I haven't any good stories to share lately, I feel.

Until this recent speed bump. I'm currently in a really strange space right now. My course instructor/mentor is phenomenal. So knowledgeable in the topic. Challenging me in ways I never expected (but hoped for!). And it's super scary. I feel like I am getting into a realm where few people exist. Yes, I know, the number of doctoral students compared to undergraduate level students is quite small. And the number of people who achieved Ph.D. level education is smaller still. Yet my yearning to know more and understand the "why" is taking me down a path that is a bit of a lonely walk. I didn't realize how much I relied upon the ability to discuss concepts and information and thoughts about topics with others.

Now, I don't want you to think that I'm looking for pity, or that even sympathy is undue. I realize that I am choosing this path. And it's likely lonely for a reason. Many people strive to learn more every day, but they don't spend this much money, time, stress, and sacrifice to do it. It is my choice. I don't regret it one bit. Personal growth is challenging for a reason. You can't truly share your personal growth with someone else. Each person approaches every moment with a wealth of experience, knowledge, and expectations...that is different from any other person. It's like a fingerprint. They may look similar to the untrained eye, but each is individual and unique.

I realized today that I was wishing for the space, time, and people to sit together with a group of people with similar interests and knowledge and really talk. Exchange ideas and thought processes. Engage in creative discourse. Kind of like the historical salons in Paris during the Enlightenment where the philosophers would gather and discuss. But the network of people knowledgeable in the topic I am currently studying is spread wide. And everyone is so busy nowadays, in our modern society.

Luckily, though, my instructor/mentor is challenging me to think very critically about some topics and concepts, then we will discuss through the magic of technology (isn't video chat awesome?). And he is incredibly patient. I fired off a quick response email to acknowledge a question, with the thought that deeper discussion will occur during our upcoming meeting. It did not meet his expectations or standards as an answer. And I recognize that... with some personal disappointment because I don't ever want him to feel I am not capable of meeting his expectations or that his valuable time is misspent with me. (Honestly I don't think he will ever feel this way, but it's a concern!)

So, I am learning and growing and questioning and applying. And it hurts a little (ok, maybe a lot). But it's also very good. Because, really, why spend the time, money, stress, and sacrifice without the exponential gains of personal growth?

Happygrams

Ever have a moment when a mirror is abruptly shoved in front of you? Not just the kind that shows you your outside, but one that shows you your character and personality very starkly. Essentially forcing you to carefully review your very essence with an extremely critical eye. It's not fun. But periodically necessary.
Sometimes a person's circumstances offer opportunity to blindly continue on a path of comfort, confidence, and unhealthy egotism. That mirror returns humble appreciation for hard work, lack of knowledge, luck, desire for growth, and continued love of learning.
I recently experienced an episode with a mirror. I didn't expect it, nor desire it, but I certainly appreciated it (after a little bit of wallowing in self-pity). It's likely I was "getting a bit too big for my britches" as the saying goes and needed a little reminder of who I am and who I want to be. And how to get there.
Appreciation is incredibly important. I greatly appreciate the people in my life who support me, inspire me, push me toward my desires and hopes and goals, and even push that mirror in front of my face when I need it. I know without these incredible people there is no way I would be where I am today. Nor where I hope to be in the future.
I'm not sure if the people in my life know how much I appreciate them. How happy I am that they are in my life to make me a better person. How humbled I am by their support and love.
I've decided to happygram these wonderful people. Not all at once. Periodically. Unexpectedly. Sincerely.
What is a happygram, you ask? A note - handwritten, electronically written, verbally spoken, etc. - that expresses appreciation. Most likely for no known reason at all, just for the recipient's mere existence.
I hope that you all take a moment to appreciate the ones in your life who make you better. Spread some happygrams. Not just once. But often. For the rest of your life.

Blood, sweat, and tears...and laughter

Oh hello. How are you out there in blog-reading land? I've recently tried to take a hiatus from the computer. This past school year, it seems as if I spent more time with my computer than with other living beings. It's understandable, really, given the nature of my choice to participate in a limited residency (meaning mostly online) doctoral program. But the school year is nearly done. I am currently in my final week of residency for the first year.
As I look back at the journey of this year (not reflecting, though), I don't think I ever truly imagined sitting here now, after successfully navigating the coursework and daily life of these intense nine months. What a journey! To consider all I've learned about my passions, about sustainability, about the cohort model and what that means to me, about my capabilities, and about all that I don't know, I am flabbergasted.
The phrase "blood, sweat, and tears" comes to mind to describe this year. I realize learning is in my blood, really a part of who I am and about what I am passionate. And this year brought so much learning, stretching my realm of information and understanding. Plus sweat. This is the human body's natural cooling system. It's also a method of sharing pheromones to create connections between and among humans, and with other animals. While the first is helpful anytime, the second is a bit difficult when cohort members are separated by great distances. These residency weeks are quite valuable in immeasurable ways. Oh, and tears. From the very beginning I've seen the cleansing power of tears, the connecting power, the human-ness of tears. Tears started the connection of my cohort, and today I witnessed tears continuing the connection of other cohorts.
I want to add laughter to this phrase, especially in relation to this first year journey. Laughter is so imperative! Bringing fun and ridiculousness into the mundane enables healthy processing of experiences. I believe not taking oneself too seriously helps to grow and learn in many, if not all, situations. Laughter alleviates stress. Humor, while not universal, lightens the mood when it gets too serious. I also think laughter encourages social bonds, opening the door to deeper inter- and intra-personal connections. Within my cohort, we shared fun comics, viral memes and videos, and wished one another lots of unicorn poop and singing narwhals. Outside of my cohort, I incredibly appreciated my friends and family who sent me ridiculous dinosaur memes, crazy videos, and general humorous messages and posts to remind me that normal life continues. It doesn't matter that the squirrels they shared momentarily distracted, in fact, I welcomed the squirrels, and still do (and will!).
So what do I see in my next three years future? Blood, sweat, tears, and laughter. But it's not limited to the next three years. I see a future of living life to the fullest. Experiencing everything as fully as possible. Appreciating the blood, sweat, tears, and laughter of each moment. Embracing the challenges. Reveling in the successes. And laughing through it all.

An open letter to my daughter

Today is the tenth anniversary of the day of the offspring's birth. Ten years. You often hear, as a parent, to appreciate each moment because it is gone before you know it.

Funny thing, time. In the moment it seems to take forever. Diapers? Forever! Co-sleeping? FOREVER! Terrible twosthrees? Forever! Looking back, it feels like it went so fast. Now, I look at little ones toddling around, discovering things in that toddler way and I miss it. I miss watching my offspring do all those things. I miss the way her tiny body fit just right in my arms, against my chest, snuggled close. And yet, I wouldn't trade her now for who/how she was then for anything in the world.

I chose to be a mom of only one. When I was younger I thought the perfect nuclear family of two adults and two offspring, with some pets, was my dream. Then THE offspring came along. I could not imagine loving any other child as much as I love her. And, not to denigrate any parent with multiples (I'm one of three), I didn't want to risk it. Working with kids for as long as I have, I am well aware of the ability to have "favorites". There are clear parental favorites in my family, too. It's natural and expected. Plus, being pregnant was not my forte. Glad I did it. Not interested in doing it again.

Being a parent is the single most difficult thing to do. Trust me, I know. I'm also a PhD student. Parenting is harder. You are responsible for a living, breathing creature who is solely dependent upon you for basic needs as well as shaping who s/he will be as a future adult. That's a TON of pressure. Making mistakes is inevitable. Lows are incredibly low. Highs are beyond high. And most of life is somewhere in between.

Ten years have passed since the offspring made her appearance. Ten incredibly rich years of truly amazing growth, for her and for me. It's about time I write her a letter.

To my daughter,

First and foremost, I love you. With every fiber of my being. You are my greatest teacher. I enjoy the pleasure of watching you grow and learn every day.

You are ten years old today. I can easily remember the day you decided it was time to meet the world. And that day you not only met it, but embraced it. Grabbed a hold of it and haven't let go. The love that surrounds you is immeasurable and infinite. And the love you share is the same.

I'm writing this letter to you to tell you how much you have, do, and will mean to me. I have made mistakes. I will continue making mistakes. But I know that, together, we will learn and move forward. I hope that what I teach you will help you as you grow, because I know that what you teach me has helped me grow in ways I cannot begin to describe.

As we grow together for the next ten years (and beyond!), I have some wishes for you.

I wish that no one will tell you that you cannot achieve something you want simply because you are female. I wish that if someone does, that you don't believe them.

I wish that you do not define yourself by what society expects. I wish you blaze your own trail with your passions, love, and thoughtfulness for your own desires.

I wish you continue to be kind and loving to everyone around you. True acceptance is an incredible thing.

I wish your beauty continues to radiate from within, capturing everyone near you in its warm glow.

I wish you persevere when things get hard, like homework. Or growing. Or relationships.

I wish you continue to love traveling. Exploring new places and meeting new people provide you with a view of the world like nothing else. Plus, the food is usually exciting!

I wish you always feel supported and loved.

I wish you have a realistic, yet positive view of the world. And do whatever you can to help the world around you.

I wish all others you encounter see your potential. And help you to achieve it. And if they don't, I wish you show it to them anyway.

I wish you continue to sing. Your voice is strong and beautiful. The world needs to hear it.

I wish you continue to dance. You exhibit pure joy when you dance.

I wish you forgive me my errors and always understand that I am human, that I make decisions that I think are best, even when they aren't.

I wish you always know how much I love you. Even when you're mad at me. Especially then.

I wish you find what makes you happy. I will support whatever that may be.

I wish for you to know that you can change the world. And that you needn't be afraid to do it. That you are strong enough, smart enough, good enough.

I wish you continue to find humor in the world. And that you keep sharing your funny. Laughter is healing, connection, beautiful.

I wish that you continue to love nature and stay connected to the natural world.

I wish you struggle. And overcome. And learn. And fall down. And get back up. And conquer.

This life is a beautiful gift. The fact that you are part of my life is the best gift I can ever hope to receive. Thank you for ten years of amazing. I look forward to as many years as possible of more amazing, joy, funny, beauty, passions, struggles, conquering, and love.

Most of all, love.

Words are a window

I used to write poetry when I was a teenager. I don't think I've looked back at my collection and read any of it in many trips around the sun. It was a great way to deal with all that teenage hormone-induced angst. My poetry has always been incredibly personal and very difficult for me to share. I imagine any creative person who puts so much of her/his innermost being into something that is quite subjective feels trepidation and nervousness when sharing. It's like opening a shutter on the window that faces out to the world, and seeing a crowd staring in at you.

For quite a few years I lacked inspiration to write, until recently. I feel fortunate that my studies include encouragement for creative expression. In fact, a recent assignment inspired the poem I am sharing with you today. Enjoy (or, you know, don't...but stop staring!).

Live

walking the path of growth
she struggles to see beyond herself
but recognizes that the world encompasses all

the flowers that bloom for the briefest of moments
teach her to breathe deeply
and pause
appreciating the offering of beauty and scent
before it withers and falls away

moments of learning
flash and fade

but she is forever changed
for having witnessed
smelled
and seen

the path is rife with obstacles
each different from the last
but all shaping the knowledge and body
of she who travels it
as patience is practiced

when once thought to be inconsequential
she looks back along her path
and witnesses the footprints sunk deep
enduring

realization that no other
will ever follow directly behind her
seeing, hearing, smelling all she does
but paths cross
footprints watched

every footstep brings her someplace new
as she carries her thoughts
knowledge
feelings
and wishes on her back

hopes and dreams surround her
embracing and caressing
shifting as the path of reality is revealed

the colors of her being
near-unrecognizable to
when she began her journey
shift yet
grow brighter
clearer
variant
subtle
brilliant.